My Trip to Portland

Well I didn't get to see the Trainer before I left, but that is okay because I don't think I would be really good at working out while I'm helping Tracey. The cool part of going to Portland is that I get to spend some time with Jensyn as well. I am planning on helping Tracey during the day and then go down and hang out with Jensyn in the evening.

Mikayla is such a beautiful baby. I just enjoyed trying to help Tracey figure out the whole kid thing. Someday I will be doing the same.

My thoughts began to wonder:
You know, my health is getting better, I am on day 24 what if by the end of the week I could see if I am pregnant. No, I don't want to think that way. I don't want to get my hopes up to just have the disappointment one more time. Being with a baby all week wasn't helping the issue at all. I kept thinking that maybe...I did have a few signs that I wasn't used to. I had acne on my forehead. I haven't had that for years. Did I have that in my last pregnancy?

My mind was going crazy. I would just take a deep breath every once in a while and try to get myself to just let the whole thought pattern go. I decided that I was just going to continue doing my emotional work so that if I was pregnant it would just help the baby and if I wasn't, it would help handle it.

Tracey and went shopping on Thursday and I mentioned that day 29 was on Friday and I was just a little curious if I would be pregnant. She said that she might have a pregnancy test, but that was about the last thing we talk about. She didn't want to push me so we left that if I decided I wanted her to look for it that I was just supposed to let her know.

Now my brain went to work...It would be so fun if I was pregnant then I could tell Chip when I got home. Did I really want to take the chance of it being negative when I wasn't at home? Had I matured enough emotionally that I could handle either result? Yes, No, Yes, No!!

Friday came and I stepped out of my room and look at Tracey and simply said, "If you can find it, I'll take it." Mikayla finished up eating and before I knew it Tracey was in my room with the test. She gave me Mikayla and told me that she was going to take a shower.

Wow. That was quick. Now I take it. UGH! What if...? Remember to let go of fear. What do I have to fear? Nothing. If it is negative, I will just go on with life as usual, but if it is positive, I will have a wonder time with Tracey and it will be so fun to tell Chip. Okay I think I can pee, I'll just take it and get it over with.

I took it. I began to watch the test progress and then I thought I should just go get a glass of water or something so that I was just standing there. Was that a faint line I saw? No, I'm just going to go to the kitchen before I get my hopes up. I made myself walk SLOWLY to the kitchen I don't think I ended up getting anything, but it was the time that I spent walking there and back that I needed. When I walked back into the bathroom, there were two lines. I blinked a couple of times, it was faint, but it was there. Oh my gosh. What do I do now? Tracey is in the shower, the baby is asleep and I can't call Chip, that would ruin the surprise. Okay Beth, take a deep breath and just allow all of this to sink in. This is really happening.

It seemed like an eternity, but Tracey finally got out of the shower. I couldn't wait for her to get completely dressed and everything so I just cracked the door and stuck my arm in. Soon to follow was a little squill. :) An amazing gift to get to share with such a special friend.